Sandy Johnstone - Special to the Sun

Louisville Lisa & Outlaw Jerry James

Howdy folks, it’s Louisville Lisa, (aka Lisa Wyly) writin’ to ya from down in Whiskey Flat. Me an ol’ Outlaw been mighty busy out on the camp-pain trail, bribin’ our way into office an all. Let me tell ya, we’d of cleaned up our act along time ago if we know’d that you folks would be so dad burn generous to our cause of fixin’ up them ball fields fer the young’uns. Why, we ain’t even had to resort to stealin’ yet!

Joe McIrvin takes bribes for a rifle at the Whiskey Flat Kick Off Dinner at the Elks Lodge in Wofford Heights Jan. 4.

Now, Ol’ Outlaw Jerry James (aka Jerry Sietsma) has got us gals all fired up for our game against them dastardly 'Walker Passers'. Ya’ll remember them mean and surly bunch a no-goods that can curl barbed wire bare-handed? Well folks, Outlaw is rightly strict with us when it comes to baseball, don’t let his shy silence fool ya, he can talk your ear off when he takes a mind to. Ya see, us gals like to celebrate ever time Diamond Dana (aka Dana Yasin). hits a home run with a ever so small nip of whiskey, keeps us warmer than them long johns ol’ Outlaw provides fer us. Just last game, here we was commencin’ to celebrate a fine hit that flew right over 'Left-field Lisa (aka Lisa Sietsma) and plum over the fence and down to Randall Field. Folks that ball landed square in the middle of the Kern River makin’ a splash that would raised 'Rigor Mortis Randy' (aka Randy Kyt) up from Boothill. We know’d it was a homer by golly, so why even run the bases, pure waste a time? Anyways, we begun to hootin’ and a hollorin ’Äò and ol’ Outlaw gave us a look that would stop a freight train in it’s very tracks, he grabbed that flask from 'Diamond Dana, an I’m a tellin’ ya, that was no small task goin’ after that flask, that flask was her grandma’s, so it’s a family heirloom to boot. Darned, if he didn’t guzzle it down to the very last drop and proclaimed he did it to save us from ourselves. In other words folks, 'he took one fer the team'.

Outlaw is a mighty fine coach, even if I have to admit it myself, and with 'Dugout David' (aka David Wyly, a fine gent from out Mt Mesa way), a helpin’ him to get us in proper shape for the commin’ baseball season, we outta be prime ball players.

Just so’s ya know it folks, we got ourselves an opponent in this here race, 'Vintage Val' (aka Valarie Minoux), and we hear she’s a real charmer. She came out west from way back east to clean up the Flat, and bring some class to our dusty town. But, hang onto your wallets folks, she can bribe with the best of em. I seen her myself charmin’ ol’ Rapid Richard (aka Richard Rooney), the Flats self proclaimed Govenor, at the Flats kick-off dinner. Out there, just a twirlin’ upon’st the dance floor they was, and the next thing ya know he’s a givin’ her a car.

So folks come on out and support us, Louisville Lisa and Outlaw Jerry James and our gang, and take one fer the team, because a bribe, I mean vote for us is a vote for the Kern River Valley Little League.

Thank Ya fer your support.

Vintage Val ’Äì The answer Gal

Well Howdy there folks, 'Vintage Val' (aka Valarie Minoux), the Answer Gal, is here, your next Whiskey Flat Mayor, ready to answer any of your questions from down in the Flat. I’ve had a heck, pardon my slang, I mean a heap of trouble trying to clean up some of these folks here in the Flat. I mean literally, gettin’ some of you boys to bathe more than once a month isn’t easy as I thought! Someone even told me they liked bein’ dirty, can you imagine that?

But, folks I will say this, you are some of the most generous folks I ever met and I thank you for supportin’ my causes; Rotary club scholarships and the Kern Valley Hospital Auxiliary.

Now, I recently received several questions by pony express and have gleaned through them to share some jewels with you.

Dear Vintage Gal ’Äì The Answer Gal

I have just received one of them new fangled sets of wooden choppers. I think they called by the scientific name of 'False Teeth'. Anyway, I want to know if I should put my tobaccy in afore I glue them choppers in, or after I get em’ all secured up. Please help me get the most outta my chew.

Signed Desperate in Onyx

Dear Desperate.

My good man, you ought to be ashamed of yourself stainin’ up a perfectly good pair of 'wooden choppers', as you call em’, with tobacco juice.

But, sir, if you are suffering from the vice of chewing, and I am sure you have tried everything to quit this nasty habit, I did manage to ask around some gents I know, and if you must know, they say to insert the false teeth into your orifice securely before applying the tobacco leaves for the purpose of chewing.

Good luck to you dear soul. V.V.

Dear Vintage Val:

I just learn’t to rit, so bear with me. I ain’t the best at it yet. My 'friend' here in Keyesville wants to know if’n 'Cattle Rustlin' is one of them 'vocations' that he could git one of them Rotary Scholarships fer. He’s been a doin’ it all his born days and don’t know any other kinda 'work'.

Thank-you

Friend of a Friend

Dear Friend in Keyesville,

Your so called friend is headed for a life of crime that does not pay. My dear young man, Cattle Rustlin’ is a crime in all these twenty three states, AND the Texas territory, even when done by the light of a full moon , which by the way I’ve heard is the ideal circumstances for Cattle Rustlin’. Encourage your friend to change his low down ways. Cattle Rustlin’ is not a vocation.! V.V.

So dear readers, a sample of my answers and advice I will dispense daily whilst out on the campaign trail. As for my opponents, that rascally band of outlaw baseball players, I’m sure they are up to no good, and I’m just the snoop to find out and set em’ straight.

Thank-you for your support,

Vintage Val ’Äì the Answer Gal