Special to the Sun
Rancor and insult abounded between the respective camps of “Bronco” Bob and “Gentleman” Jim as they scurried round the Valley trying to outdo each other with fundraising events, while “Straight Shootin” Carter Cash, apparently disinterested in the gossip, came flying out of the woodwork to pack in a truly astonishing schedule of his own.
Cash, upholding the mission to feed as many people in the community as he can, held a full-course Tri-Tip dinner on the 19th, then headed over to Ron’s Kountry Kitchen on the 24th for a genuine Santa Maria Barbeque. By the time he’s done with us, we’ll be lucky if we can manage to squeeze into our cars and homes, laden as we are becoming with our own individual mass. It’s harder for people to run when they are near-comatose and weighted down from second helpings, so Cash has easy targets for bribery. They’re just too exhausted to do anything but gesture weakly towards their wallets.
 Whiskey Flat Mayor candidate Bronco Bob and his wife, Lisa, take a break from selling bribes at the candidate’s tri-tip dinner at the Moose Lodge in Lake Isabella Saturday night. |
“I started looking for clues to prove this right or wrong,” he proclaimed to partygoers at the Kern River Brewery. “I’ve looked at many of our family photos and I have yet to see his ferret eye-browed face in any of them.”
Admittedly, the photos he produced were grainy and blurry and smelled suspiciously of turpentine, but he is adamant that there is no way “Gentleman” Jim possesses any hint of family DNA. “After I’m elected mayor, I’ll try to help him find out if he has a family tree of his own.”
On a roll, Bob revved up to add Cash to his roster of targets. “As for Mr. Change—er, Cash—we all know he has his Big Bag of Gold. I accepted some of it in good faith for a raffle—for a bright red bicycle. I needed new transportation. Anyway, I tried to deposit that gold in a bank, and they told me it’s not only no good as money, but that if I put it in my pockets, it would melt. It ruined one of my very best vests!” His outrage escalated as he waved the dry-cleaning bill about, nearly upending a passer-by’s mountainous plate of food.
On both sides, there are those who are muttering about fisticuffs or worse. One loyal Crawford staffer was seen huddling with compatriots, where the words “this weekend” and “bring the rope” were floated ominously through the air.
All three candidates are ramping up the fundraising this coming weekend, where some skullduggery is sure to evidence itself. We warn our readers to keep a sharp eye out for airborne foodstuffs, to note the easiest exits, and keep your heads down when the fireworks start.
Bronco Bob: Thursday, Jan. 29 - Subway, 4-9pm (Bob will show up at 6:30); Friday, Jan. 30 - Spaghetti Dinner at Wallace Cafeteria, 5-8pm; Saturday, Jan. 31 - Spaghetti Dinner at Kernville Cafeteria, 5-8pm.
Gentlman Jim: Friday, Jan 30 – Cheryl’s Diner, Saturday, Jan 31 – Hungry Rancher.
Straight Shootin’ Carter Cash: Wednesday,Jan 28th - Subway from 5-9pm, Thursday, Jan 29th - Kern River Brewing Company from 6-9pm, Saturday, Jan 31st - Dam Corner from 7-11am
Saturday, Jan 31st - Dave's Sports Bar Super Bowl Eve Party - 7pm for the fights and Time Machine live band right after the fights.
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