Special to the Sun
In a combustible Friday morning radio appearance on the “Talk Show,” all three mayoral candidates gathered for a verbal throw-down of insults, accusations, threats, and jeering. All that was missing was Don King’s hairdo, not that that would have elevated the weirdness.
Bronco Bob and “Straight-Shootin’” Carter Cash, eager to push their respective propaganda and entice voters, were bright-eyed and fired-up when the show began, but it looked at first as if Gentleman Jim would be a no-show. Contention amongst the esteemed trio has been nothing if not entertaining—and sometimes bodily injurious, and so it would have been less than surprising if one had abdicated participation in the talkfest out of sheer pique.
 Left to right, 2009 Whiskey Flat Mayor candidates Bronco Bob raising funds for the Kernville Union School District PTC and Boosters Club; Gentleman Jim, whose beneficiary is the Kern River Valley Youth Center; and Carter Cash, raising money for Kern River Valley Youth Football and Cheerleaders, will be out and about in the last minute frenzy attempting to bribe their way to the title of Whiskey Flat Mayor. |
“We hog-tied him and threw him in the back of a pickup truck,” groaned Carter Cash. “I guess Bronco Bob didn’t tie him good enough. We’ll have to do a better job next time.”
This caused umbrage from the aforementioned Bronco Bob, and brickbats of nefarious accusation are now flying thick and fast. Apparently, as the hogtied pickup heist of Gentleman Jim indicates, all bets are off, and it may be a case of who’s left alive rather than who has the most bribes to determine the next Whiskey Flat Mayor.
Whether inadvertently as a result of crazed bloodlust, Bronco Bob realized he had admitted he and Gentlemen Jim were indeed brothers earlier in the week. Evidently, he decided to drop the denials and go for broke at Ewing’s on Friday evening – perhaps after having had too much chocolate. “Yeah,” he shrugged. “Mom finally admitted we were brothers.”
Earlier in the evening he had been seen talking animatedly with a guest who wore a huge cowboy hat and who seemed interestingly intrigued with the current political climate in the Valley. Bob, with patented campaign panache, began making chitchat with the stranger, asking—for no discernable reason—if he was from Oklahoma. Breezily, the stranger shook his head and said, “No, I’m from Evanston, Wyoming, actually.”
Then, the stunned and flummoxed guests were promptly hit with another unforeseen disclosure. With no warning whatsoever and in a rather messy display of exuberance, Bob threw his arms around the man. “You must be my long-lost Daddy, then!!”
And indeed, the stranger, who introduced himself as Jim Steele, confirmed to the masses that he was in fact the candidate’s paterfamilias. Some confusion reigned at the apparent discrepancy of surnames, but Steele cleared that up straightaway. “My mother was married, but my dad wasn’t.”
Later, during the rapidly escalating radio fracas, Bronco Bob threw off the gloves, gleefully expounding on Jim’s childhood upbringing and fondness for goat’s milk. “We were so poor when we were kids that I—most likely because I was Mom’s favorite—got cow’s milk. Jim got goat.”
“Hee! Maybe that could be a campaign slogan,” a booth engineer giggled.
While Jamison and other radio employees struggled to restrain the filial target from leaping across the broadcast booth, Bob went on. “Mom couldn’t afford bottles, either, so Jim just got it straight from the source! That explains why he got so big. This was a problem, of course, as we got older,” –and here listeners heard what sounded suspiciously like a wicked snicker—“The goats were getting a little nervous.”
Shouts of indignation reverberated via radio wave throughout the Valley as Gentleman Jim forewent decorum and caused more bleeping in one morning interview than has ever been heard since the station went online. Listeners were glued to their speakers while Jamison attempted to prevent his normally dialogue-driven program from devolving into mayhem.
More accusations continue to flourish. “Well, I’d like to know,” says Cash, nursing several bruises at the Kern River Inn, “is where those two get all that prime beef they keep serving at their dinners. Especially Bob. How many meatballs have they given out to people? Tri Tips? I’m suspicious. Are they rustling cattle, or do they know people in the trade who are lining their pockets?”
Palpably on a roll, Bronco Bob fired back with alacrity. “He’s one to talk about freebies, the git! He’s got connections with the mucky-mucks in the State Democratic Party, for the love of Pete!” He snorts, dislodging his nose cast. “The man’s a delegate! You don’t think he’s greasing some palms?”
The radio station has reported that they hope to finish repairs in time for next week’s broadcast of the “Talk Show,”depending on how bad the damage is and whether contractor Rotten Ron can get out of bed soon enough to make the repairs.
Host Bob Jamison was unavailable for comment, but colleagues report he is recuperating quietly at an undisclosed location.
Our new Mayor will be selected this weekend at Whiskey Flat Days! The candidates will be out and about for this final week of campaigning. If you want to go see them, well—all we can say is, we warned you.
WHISKEY FLAT MAYOR’S SCHEDULE
Carter Cash:
McNally’s Thurs 2/12 5:30-9pm
Ewing’s On the River Friday 2/13 5:30-9pm
Whiskey Flat Weekend Walkabout
Bronco Bob: McNally’s (Prime Rib) Sat 2/14, 5pm –Close
Whiskey Flat Days Weekend Walkabout – look for the Billboard!
Gentleman Jim:
El Portal Wed 2/11 5-8 pm, Win a Shopping Spree!
Ewing’s Thurs 2/12 5pm Cowboy Auction
McNally’s Friday 2/13 6-9pm
Whiskey Flat Weekend Walkabout- Win Raffle Items!
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