Special to the Sun
Once again, we have reached the apex of our year in the Valley known as Whiskey Flat Days, and once again, the Valley will be inundated with visitors eager to observe the “quaint” and “charming” activities of our native population.
We beseech you: Leave now. Turn around and run. Do NOT look back until you’ve at least crossed the county line. You are about to enter a dimension with no sense of time, space, honor, or dignity – what we laughably call “politics” around here.
 Whiskey Flat Mayor candidates, left to right, Tenderfoot Tony, Cimarron Cynthia, and TurnCoat Chris played to the KERO Channel 23 cameras during an appearance at Cheryl’s Diner in Kernville Thursday. As the candidates race – or crawl – to the finish line, the trio of mayoral hopefuls can be seen throughout the Valley soliciting bribes. The pie-throwing fundraiser at Sportsman’s Friday night is sure to to be a crowd- pleaser. |
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the time of year when we, your humble hosts, lose our collective mind, particularly those of us either drunk, stupid, or insane enough to campaign for the ultimate title: Whiskey Flat Mayor.
You’d think the job is as coveted as it is because of perhaps a large salary, or a beautiful, sun-drenched office above the hardware store. But no. It doesn’t pay one thin dime. Whoever the sad individual is who claims victory has no base of operations, unless you count the corner barstool at the Brewery, and what can only laughably be called “staff” is pretty much whoever can be strong-armed, blackmailed, or bullied into the job.
Nevertheless, the competition is fierce, and our esteemed candidates annually do their best to claw, cheat, blaspheme, and bribe everyone in order to be named mayor.
That’s when everyone in the Valley goes berserk. In a nutshell, we simply devolve into a seething mass of gossip, innuendo, and flat-out backstabbing. No subject or action is forbidden or too taboo; there are no limits to the levels of chicanery and underhandedness that abound.
Candidates don’t shake hands and kiss babies for votes here; their methods are much more aggressive, used furtively in the hallowed halls of national politics, but blatantly employed with unashamed glee in this neck of the woods. Offers of food, booze, and numerous shady deals are rampant over six weeks. Bribes are accepted. Bribes are offered. Men of ill repute and dubious honor suddenly find themselves in high demand for certain services.
Whatever it takes – from feeding the masses to hurling insults and lies at their rivals, to fabricating rumors out of whole cloth, or exaggerating minor truths, they’ll do it. Scruples have no place and no use here.
As for the community – well, we’re just as bad. Maybe worse. Out of all of us, the newspaper writers take the prize for stirring the various simmering pots to boiling point.
Disabuse yourselves of the idea that facts are checked, or attribution is given for quotes. Researching and confirming leads are left in the dung heap of morals in favor of making up crap and creating the most lurid story possible in order to sell papers. Spelling, grammar, style and content – the whole of the English language, really – all of them are pitched robustly out the proverbial window. Nothing beats starting a fight with a few well-chosen adjectives and adverbs, and then sitting back to watch the resultant explosions. Not the stuff of Pulitzer caliber, but it doesn’t matter. If the story doesn’t exist, one is simply invented, and that’s much more fun.
If by now you haven’t turned tail and hied out of this crazy burg, and are silly enough to be intrigued – well, all right, but don’t say we didn’t warn you.
This is where things get really interesting. Go to the events once the bubbling pot of viciousness is stirred, and remind yourself that you asked for it. We’ve had candidates, campaign managers, press agents, and hapless bystanders be unceremoniously and obnoxiously hauled off in handcuffs. Some have been kidnapped and then ransomed. We’ve had the terror-filled and life-scarring horror of karaoke showdowns, where unfortunate patrons were barricaded inside bars, their ears bleeding, sobbing helplessly and piteously at the massacre of musical torture in the name of The Campaign.
There are no lengths to which this community won’t go, no level to which we won’t stoop. Visitors have returned to their homes, shell-shocked and with vacant stares, unable to fully grasp the vast corruption and profane use of the democratic ideal. Families, upon witnessing the damage to their loved ones, overload the switchboard with outraged vitriol, threatening lawsuits and demanding restitution.
Therefore, once again we must attempt – as we do every year – to forestall the inevitable complaints, requests for compensation, or demands for psychiatric treatment. We state plainly and baldly: We Are No Longer Responsible. Go forth if you must, but let it be said here and now that if you end up curled in the fetal position by the end of all this, you have only yourself to blame.
Do not expect logic. Do not expect reason. Do not expect courtesy. Do not expect us to act like adults. The best ways you can handle what you are about to witness – with relatively minor consequence is: A) Avoid, with unswerving dedication, anyone dressed in period costume or who offers you food and drink as a “friendly gesture.” B) Refuse to answer questions of any suspicious persons holding pen, notebook, or voice recorder. C) Tip your bartender and refrain from calling him “Smitty.” D) If you hear the word “donation” or “bribe,” you have only one chance to run. After that, they’ve seen your face and will find you again. E) Stay in your room.
We hope this small lesson in comportment helps you. If you are still within city limits and are dead-set on staying, then we have done all we can. If you are of some mental and emotional fortitude, have no issues with scandals and lies, you may disguise yourself as one of us and try to blend in. Advance at your own peril. You’re on your own!
Comments
20 comment(s)Gail wrote on Feb 27, 2010 8:42 PM:
Anna who love this Valley unconditionally are the people we should hold close to our hearts. Anna, I hold you close to my heart.
Love, respect and good wishes,
Gail Korner "
Re-Sadened Ex-local wrote on Feb 27, 2010 7:43 PM:
Gail wrote on Feb 27, 2010 3:29 PM:
Thanks,
Gail Korner "
Anna wrote on Feb 26, 2010 3:03 PM:
Kern's Winter
Look at your mountains covered with snow. My heart longs to be there no matter how cold.
The river must be high, and the valley so green, while wildflowers wait to bloom in the warm sun of Spring.
Anna "
To Angela wrote on Feb 24, 2010 8:50 PM:
Again, try California City if our valley doesn't suit you.
Your post was out of line, as are you. "
Gail Korner wrote on Feb 23, 2010 8:24 PM:
Anna wrote on Feb 23, 2010 4:30 PM:
Thank you for your reply. Another nice person in Kern, just as I know there are many. I was in a writing class at the well known City of Hope (cancer hospital). My class had a book publishered. I would like to send you one. It is very inspiring. I don't know if my email will come up, if not it is bananaannae@yahoo.com. Please write me.
Hope all is well in your beautiful town. "
theresa wrote on Feb 23, 2010 10:07 AM:
To Jane wrote on Feb 21, 2010 10:33 PM:
Jane wrote on Feb 21, 2010 9:02 PM:
Try California City. "
Sweet Melissa wrote on Feb 21, 2010 9:00 PM:
Lake Isabella, despite its problems with drugs (they're everywhere), is one of the best places to live.
For the most part, I've met some really good people.
I couldn't buy a home this affordable probably any where else in California.
No place is perfect, but KRV is certainly a slice of heaven to me. "
to Anna wrote on Feb 15, 2010 8:31 PM:
Best regards,
Gail Korner "
KVHiker wrote on Feb 15, 2010 3:36 PM:
KVHiker "
PETE wrote on Feb 15, 2010 1:36 PM:
I cant even believe what you are writeing,Our valley is still a great place,thier arent that many problems its just a small community.When those of us who live in the valley leave to L.A. or Bakersfield we always are happy to come home to our beautiful valley.Flatlanders thank you for supporting our events hope to see you next year "
Anna wrote on Feb 14, 2010 7:21 PM:
I know there are great people there. I always stayed at the B&B the Randall's sold, they were wonderful people. And Virgina at the Kern River Inn is very nice. I have been going there since the 70's and there has been changes, some good some bad. That is life. We just have too many people in CA. I had cancer and Kern is my place to dream of better days. As I wrote in one of my poems "the Kern river flows through my veins and beckons me to return." "
Truth wrote on Feb 13, 2010 6:22 PM:
mary dufrain wrote on Feb 13, 2010 2:40 PM:
Resident wrote on Feb 12, 2010 10:52 PM:
This valley is full of drama and smack-talking, sure, but there are also a lot of compassionate, wonderful people here, too.
P.S Approving comments like "Saddened Ex-local's" is simply ridiculous. "
Anna wrote on Feb 12, 2010 6:56 PM:
Anna Andrizz Escobosa "
Sadened Ex-local wrote on Feb 10, 2010 11:40 PM: